Am I allowed to be who I am?

I’ve spent some time thinking about my being and my purpose in this life. Who I am, what people make me feel I am, what’s the attitude towards me, what do I want out of life…

All the happiness in the world I could have asked for was given to me when I had my three children – that’s the fact. No matter what will happen in the future, I doubt I will ever feel greater happiness and love. The happiness of being a mother is an everlasting feeling, and it will go on till the day I die. While my children have grown from toddlers to teenagers and adults, I have grown with them as a person, over and over again. What ever I do, I think: “What will the young ones think of this?”, “Am I embarrassing the young ones by doing this?”, “Is it selfish from my part to let them know how I’m doing?”, “Why don’t I hear from them?” And so on.

I enjoy where I am right now in life: I’m free to plan and decide what I do (within the limits of my condition, of course), what I do and don’t do each and every day, who are the people I include in my life, how many lectures I give or don’t give. I’ve stopped pleasing people – I don’t need an approval from anyone.

I’m just me, with my own thoughts, and I don’t wish anything bad to happen to anyone. I hope for peace and love, from the bottom of my heart – and at this point cynical people are quick to explain that “What else could she wish for in that condition?” and “Maybe her thoughts are not that clear any more?”. And other kind of crap.

I smile when I think about yesterday and how I opened up myself to my Angels. Seriously, have I somehow lost touch in reality when I don’t doubt, not for a minute, that people won’t take me seriously when I talk with the help of the letters on the plexi glass board. Or that I could be a credible author, without labelled as “locked-in person” in every single interview. As a person, how am I different from, say Pamela Anderson? I don’t know her, but I enjoy playing with the images: I believe words silicon and wheelchair came to mind, for everyone, even though I think I was asking about being a human being.

Labels. That’s what we people so easily do. Disabled, refugee, gay, colored … yes, all human beings. Life is all about appreciating yourself, accepting yourself for who you are. But still, I wish for tolerance, especially when most of us don’t bother other people in any way. As for myself, can’t complain any more; I feel like I’m a full member of the society, mother, author and somewhat comical busy bee, sailing through the life.

Just me, Marja <3

Photo: Hanna-Kaisa Hämäläinen